Am I Lovable?

So I had a pretty deep conversation with my other half recently, I found myself in a bit of a slump and we were talking about where we are in life, where we should be and where we want to be (all content for another blog) but somehow we ended up getting on a different topic altogether. I’m not sure why I asked, or what prompted me but I asked him a question that I was actually pretty scared to find out the answer to…. “Why me?”

He look at me very confused, his initial answer was “Why not?” Now, I’m not going to lie my reaction can’t have been amazing at that moment because he immediately said “I don’t mean it like that, I mean, why not you, I love you” My other half is not the most articulate at times, as he reiterated to me that night, and he finds it difficult to talk about this kind of stuff and to really get out how he feels so I wasn’t offended; I knew what he meant but I had to explain why I asked…

“But, why me?” He answered simply and beautifully with “because I love you”, my response – just as beautiful? Deep? Loving? Nope – my response was “But why do you love me? I don’t understand, why do you love me?” And there we had it. That was the reason I asked, who knows how long this has been inside me, I mean we’ve been together for 6 and a half years but there it was, I couldn’t understand why the hell he loves me. So he asked me straight back, “Well, why do you love me?” I instantly responsed with a plethora of reasons, to surmise I said something along the lines of “You’ve been there for me through thick and thin, you make me smile and you make me laugh, you make me happy… and you’re pretty fit too so that doesn’t hurt!” He just looked at me and smiled, shook his head a little and he told me the following, It’s not verbatim but it went something like this…

“I can be myself when I’m with you, I let out all my crazy and you take it. You laugh at things I say that I could tell someone else and they would stay completely straight faced. You make me happy and I love you.”

It meant a lot to hear him say that. He knows that I still don’t really understand why he loves me, I kept telling him that night that I feel like I’ve robbed him of the opportunity to find the girl who’s perfect for him and who could make his life so amazing, I kept telling him that he really does deserve someone so much better that me. I also said within the same breath, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m so so happy you’re with me and not some other girl… but I just don’t get it.” I told him that part of me is scared that he’s with me just because it’s routine, and maybe it’s just easy now and it’s too much effort to end it and that it’s just kind of “meh”. He responded beautifully for someone who’s apparently not that eloquent by saying (again not verbatim) “Buba, I love you; I don’t want to be with anyone else. I choose you because you make me happy. If I wasn’t happy I wouldn’t be here, if I wasn’t happy I wouldn’t stay, but I am so I do.” I mean, the guy isn’t Shakespeare but his words meant the world to me.

You might wonder the reason why I’m sharing this? Well, it’s not to brag that I have an amazing boyfriend, which obviously I do but that’s beside the point, it’s to say that sometimes it doesn’t matter if you’ve been with someone 6 weeks or 6 years, you can still have insecurities. And just because I can’t see why he loves me, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t. And also that just because I find it *incredibly* hard to love myself, doesn’t mean that the person who loves me won’t keep trying to get me closer to that goal little by little each and every single day, even at the times when he doesn’t realise he’s doing it.

Basically, he sees something in me that I clearly do not, and maybe cannot, see in myself. That’s not to say that I won’t get there someday and it may just take time, even if it’s a lot of time. But the point I really want to share is that if someone loves you, however hard it may be, just let them. They love you for a reason, you gave them that reason in some way, somehow; so appreciate that even if you can’t understand it.

And as a final point, that doesn’t just go for relationships with your significant other, but friends and family too. Not everyone sticks around because they have to, when you think about it no one really has to stick around – God knows I’ve learned that the hard way throughout my life, maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me to believe that I am lovable and worth sticking around forbut I digress, people stick around because they make an active choice to, more often than not because they love you. They love you for a reason and I’m guessing 9 times out of 10 you love them back and they might not understand why either! We’re all self-conscious and hard on ourselves sometimes (fair enough, some more than others) so what I’m saying, and what I hope you take away from this, is that it’s OK to believe that someone loves you, you don’t actually have to question it – in fact it’s good! It’s really good! Yeah, sometimes it’s nice to be reminded and it’s nice to check for a little reassurance, but don’t fight against it; be thankful, be grateful and above all embrace it.

You ARE lovable, you are special, and you are amazing. How do I know? Because we all are, in our own unique and quirky ways that only we and the ones who love us know. So go share in that with them, and love that you are loved.

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