Sometime life doesn’t go the way you expect it to. But then, that’s life… right? But what happens when you have a plan, when you have it all worked out and you know exactly what you want and exactly where you’re going and then all of a sudden “life” happens and it all goes to absolute sh*t. What then?
Me? I had a plan, I had an idea of what I wanted to become and who I wanted to be. But then life happened. It didn’t go the way I had planned… the things I wanted, or at least the things I thought I wanted, didn’t happen. However, I’ve chosen to look at it as a blessing in disguise. If I really wanted it that badly, I wouldn’t have given up that easily. I had a certain career in mind, I was all set to go down that path and follow through with this vocation but it didn’t work out. I didn’t have the necessary means so I looked for different routes to take to achieve my goal and I felt like I was fighting so hard, until I realised… what the hell was I fighting for? This wasn’t what I really wanted, not really. I mean, yeah I could have fallen into it, but when I really really think about it, it’s not the lifestyle I wanted. Quite honestly although I’d convinced myself otherwise, I didn’t know what I wanted!
We’re taught from such a young age that we have to know what we want to be and follow through and never give up, but we’re never taught how to deal with it if what you want or how you feel changes, or if things don’t go according to plan. I didn’t have a back-up; all my eggs were in one basket. But at the end of the day, we work to live, we don’t live to work. I recently found myself defending myself and feeling ashamed for not being in the career I once wanted, for not being where I thought I would be in life at this very moment and I just wanted to shout “SCREW YOU! AND SCREW SOCIETY AND SCREW IT ALL, GOD-DAMN IT!” Just because I thought I had an idea of what I wanted to do, doesn’t mean it was a sure-fire, fixed in stone road to success. Nor does it mean that I don’t have the right to change my mind. It may have been I wasn’t good enough for the career, it may have been that the timing wasn’t right and to be perfectly honest it may have just been that it wasn’t right for me, could even just have been a combination of all three. The thing is, I have no doubt in my mind that if I really wanted it I could have gotten there, but everything happens for a reason, and if I wanted it that badly I would have fought harder… but I didn’t. I gave up the fight for something that I felt was like a losing battle. It just wasn’t the be all and end all in my life… and that says something.
Right now I’m in a job, it’s a good job, I enjoy it most of the time and I think I’m pretty good at it – it’s not a career but right now it’s safe and it’s comfortable and it’s easy (well, it’s not too challenging for me). AND THAT’S OK. Why shouldn’t I be happy with just plodding along for a little while? I don’t know about you, but for me there are times when I feel like life has just been a constant battle and I’m just so tired of fighting. So for now, I’ll stay where I am, where I’m settled and comfy, and I need to remind myself that that is OK. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, this is my life. These are my choices and they will shape my future, and if I need time to figure out what I’m doing in the long run, then I’m going to bloody well take it.
I suppose I’m just having a bit of a rant about the standards that are set for us, and the standards we set ourselves because of them. I just want to tell the world that I’ll get there, wherever “there” is. And I hope that if even one person who reads this who is worried that they aren’t “where they should be”, that they take a deep breath and let it go, don’t dwell on the ‘should be’ and ‘could be’; assess whether what you’re fighting for is really worth it and if it is then fight like hell and never give up, but if it’s not… then please realise, that’s OK! You have time, you have the strength and you have no one to prove anything to. I think I need to tell myself that more often too.
It’s really hard to be positive sometimes, and it’s hard to figure out what we want & plan a future and as much as life is short I think I’m learning that it’s better to get there in your own time and in your own way than to be pushed into something because you made one decision many years ago that’s apparently meant to shape your life, and heaven forbid you change your mind!
Everything happens for a reason, I have to believe that. Although the reason might not be obvious, you’ll find it, you’ll figure it out at some point. I think sometimes we just need to give ourselves the space we need to find our feet and get our footing before we start running off with no sense of direction. I’m quite content just plodding along for the minute, figuring things out along the way; so that’s what I’m going to do. And that’s OK.
I have an idea in mind, a little seed that I’ve planted myself; I’m going to nurture it a little and see how it grows. I suppose it’s a kind of “watch this space” situation.
How does that saying go… it’ll all be OK in the end, if it’s not OK, it’s not the end? Yeah… that.